Changes

I've always wanted to change. Radically. I don't believe I've ever been satisfied with myself. Well, I believe this is something others feel from time to time, am I right? No one is satisfied with everything entirely. I'm not talking just about looks.
These few weeks I've been wondering about my life and myself a bit deeper than usually. The only thing I've noticed is that when there was moments I decided to change, I didn't and when I did change, I didn't want to. Well, I change in ways I didn't want to. Maybe that's the way kids turn to adults. Sometimes I sure feel like it..
This last year has been my year of changes. Mainly the move to my own place, new school, new friends and so on made my life take a different turn from earlier.
But then there were these few other things that made the surroundings change.
Let's just say my uncle from my mom's side died. And then my granny from dad's side died. And then my only sister got married.
These all was kind of expected but still they came and suprised me from behind. I feel that these are the things that made me realise the fragility of life and how everything I think I know and believe dances on a blade and it can all fail me and just break apart.

My uncle's dead wasn't so suprising 'cause we've known that he had problem with booze many years. So the slowly way (I'll say it harsly) he drank himself to death wasn't a suprise. But still. He was the first person from my close relatives to die. It was still a bit sudden. That was some cold winter. A change.

Summer was in it's fullest and there wasn't a simple thing that was different from any other summer day. One Thursday I visited briefly my granma and I remember my last words that day was just simple "See ya again sometime!" I rushed to the door and saw granma wave her hand and smile at me as I left. The next Tuesday she rode a bike to the chapel. Well, almost. There was a car. She fell to the asphalt and hit her head. About a week later she finally got to the chapel and hopefully heard our singing she liked so much. Another change.

My sister was engaged many years and I've known the wedding date over a year so it really wasn't a suprise. The late spring and the beginning of the summer was full of waiting. Well, it stopped for a moment but then the preparations begin again. The suprise-moment came still when I saw my sister makings her vows to her husband I realised that this is it. This is the last time I hear her old last name and now she has officially "left" the family she was born in and formed a new one. It made me happy for her but at the same time it made me sad. Nothing much has changed between us since then but I could say that this fact has been haunting be at a back of my head since then. We're close so it doesn't really mean a thing. But. Another change.

Maybe someone thinks that these are just minor things or that these doesn't affect personal life so much or are just part of it. But after this all I can say that my life turned a different leaf. I'm not going to just stand still doing nothing. I AM going to change!
I've now seen how my mom has slowly survived from her loss and took a new turn for her life. She really shook me up when she told me about her new investments and changes about her everyday-life.
I'm worry for my mom but she has dad so she's okay, I think. I worry about granpa alone in the huge empty farm but he has something he enjoys now so I worry about him a little less.

Yesterday I heard one man talk about his life and how he changed it and had never regretted it. That inspired me a lot too to actually make these few changes with my life happen for real. Some has seen my new look and said it suits me. That is a way to keep reminding myself in front of my mirror why I have and must change. And this time I really mean to make it happen. Maybe then after a while, I can look myself in the mirror and smile for a change as a better person.



sun on waves, wind of change?